The words i would say

Well....Things are alot better now. Thank You everyone for allowing me my nervous breakdown a couple weeks ago. I am much better now. Things are still tight and there is no money still but i have a better hold on myself and the whole situation. I love my life and my family and friends. I have had plenty of time to play with all of them over the holidays and its helped me cope and deal with the idea that i am still me...just without a job and money, but lets face it...there really wasnt alot of money around when i did have a job!

The lord spoke to me through a song this morning.

Praying is something i do everyday, all day long. And then i watch and listen for his answers. Sometimes they are loud and come with force and then others its simply a word blown into my head by the wind. This morning it was a song i have heard a million times on klove. I have heard this song many times but as i sat at the bank this am in the drivethru i heard it like i never have before. I had turned the music down so i could communicate with the teller and my 4 yr old ava had a fit b/c she wanted to hear the music. I told her that we wouldnt be long and that the music would only interfere with what i was doing. She thought about that for a few seconds and then very quietly said no mommy, it wont interfere, we need to listen to the words in that song. I stared in the rearview at her as i turned it back up...the song had changed during our short conversation and it was now the sidewalk prophets song that is very appropriately titled...The words i would say...like i said i have heard it many times but this time it was like someone had removed cotton balls from my ear and i heard it clearly for the first time....

Here are the lyrics that caught me:
Be strong in the lord and never give up hope
you're going to do great things i already know
Gods got his hands on you
so dont live life in fear
forgive and forget
but dont forget why your here
take your time and pray
thank god for each day, His love will find a way
these are the words i would say

wow...out of the mouths of babes!!! Thank God for my children...who point me in the right direction everyday. ava has always been my little life preserver from the lord. hard to make since of it sometimes but that child keeps me grounded where i need to be!

So...Things are better...not fixed but better!

Jump in Feet first

Well i have never done this before so it is likely to be very interesting. And fraught with all sorts of peril. For example i have no idea how to make my page pretty...im working on it though.

So here i go jumping in feet first.

Right now i am sitting in my favorite coffee house contemplating when and how i should go about picking up my last pay check from the man that fired me exactly two weeks ago after i humbled myself and returned to him after i had quit due to some hostile working conditions. I am tired and my nerves fried and i am afraid of how i might react if i were to see him when i walk into the place. I think it might feel like ripping a bandaid off of a fresh wound that has not had time to heal. The shock of the entire situation still hurts...and it hurts bad, but ive covered it up and ive found that i am very good at ignoring it. Seeing him or god forbid even talking to him might send my insides into hysterics. I need that check but i dont know how much sanity it might cost me to attain it. Ive already been through the deepest part of the depression it caused and i might still be there if i didnt bury it down deep and ignore it. But the depression and the anger that came afterwards are locked away in a little drawer that i ignore. Every once in a while the drawer rattles and i ignore it...Like the other day when we went out for lunch with the kids after church. We went to wendys and matt ordered while i got a table with the kiddies and he came back with 4 burgers 1 fry and 1 drink...because it was cheaper and we most definantly dont have alot of money. So we all set there and shared a drink. It was humiliating...and that drawer rattled to the point that it about busted open...it took every bit of strength i had to keep my self from crying...RIDICULOUS, i know: Crying over sharing a drink. but it is what it is...and that pisses me off. I want things to just be normal...but my normal crumbled into a million peices 2 weeks ago. And all over a Damn door.

So now i sit here and try to gain enough composure to go pick up the check we so desperately need...i'll let you know how it turns out.